Medic On Call To Help Hyperventilating Twilight Fans Move To Next Phase of Life

Coming in over the wire is news that there is an actual medic on the set of the Twilight franchise movies. This medic is there to help fans overcome by seeing their graven images, or “idols” as they are called, to enter the next phase of their worship.

Speaking only with a promise of anonymity the main medic, whom we will call “Dr. Ivil Lichenstic”, has said his job is two fold.

According to the Doctor:

“Well, here’s the deal. For some reason they keep letting these emo tweens and teens on the set so that they can watch this waste of cinema be filmed. What happens is that they have their first orgasm ever by catching a glimpse of that British kid who looks like a puppet put through the dryer one too many times, and that other guy who looks like he can’t even shave yet.

Due to this being their first ever orgasm, and it being done without anyone actually touching them, they end up either crying their eyes out or fainting. Some of them even hyperventilate. My job is then to take care of them.

If they are crying from the experience then I take them to a cool room and a cot, give them some kleenex, and leave them be for a bit.

If they faint, then I bring them some smelling salts and put them in a bed next to the crying brats.

If they hyperventilate, well…I only have one choice after that. I just put a bag over their heads and put us all out of their misery. Cause really, who the hell wants to put up with that shit for four more years? Bad enough we have them going insane over a film series made from books that do nothing but glorify Mormonism and abusive relationships, we don’t need these girls actually growing up and becoming active members of society.

The other part of my job? Well, that entails the ‘actors’. I am just waiting for one of those ‘actors’ to hyperventilate from seeing a fan. That will be the day I will feel fulfilled in my duties.”

So, there you have it folks. We would like to thank Dr. Ivil Lichenstic for his insight into what happens when a troop of tweens and teens gets on the set of a crappy piece of cinema.